Questions for Eddie

As you must already be aware, I'm more of a lover than a writer. This is my fourth attempt to write this thing. At three I was thinking that was the charm. Now the days pass and I age before my own eyes. I am wiser now than I was the last three times, and I know that I also will not post this for nobody to read.

Knowing this about myself, you might be justified in asking why I am even trying to start posting to an unknown blog. In answer, there are several reasons, all good enough individually. Together, these reasons make a massive conspiracy that cannot be denied. The reasons are these:
1. Work is boring.
2. I am listening to Ghostface Killah, and ghosts are famed the world over for their amazing literary talents.
3. If the wackos in the bomb shelters are right, the world will end in January, and I'll never get a chance to write again.
4. It'd be nice to actually finish something I start for once.
5. In three days it will be forever since I last wrote.
6 Hummer. (old joke, and it is not even # 8 on the list. I know.)
7. I had a dream last night of flying a burrito to the moon, and that naturally made me think of burritos. Since I do not actually have any burritos, this was the best that I could think of.

As you can see, there is a juggernaut of reasons why this time I might actually post.

So I’m calling you out. You know who you are. The staff here at Tiger Beat are getting desperate. Consider this the Tiger Beat interview you never knew.

1. The Cult O' Jon has the motto, "One Near You!" Are there franchise opportunities?
2. Much has been made of squirrels in your holy life, could you tell us the full story?
3. Our readership really likes the name Corey. Would you ever consider changing your name?
4. Could you give any advice for kids on understanding the Jonhead?
5. How do you feel about crackers in the sheets? Does it matter if they are Ritz or saltines?
6. What devotional music is recommended/demanded by the Cult?
7. Do you have any stories from childhood you can tell us?
8. Hummer (There. Now the joke is in its proper place. Are you laughing yet………How about now?)
9. Which is more religiously pure, creamy or crunchy peanut butter?
10. What are your turn ons and turn offs? [ed. That question was for the Playmate interview later]
11. What are proper modes of worship in the Cult O' Jon, "One Near You!"?
12. Could you pass a “Hi howdy do?” to Mrs. Cult O’ Jon and the wee ones?
13. Many people don't know what the Squid Doctrine is, and the part it plays in Jonism. Could you explain a little for us?
14. What do you think of hot girls and motorbikes?
15. What’s the going rate for a cheap scribe these days? Is the post filled?
17. Our readers really want to know who this Vald guy is. What could you tell us about him? Does he have a cult? If so, is it better than yours?
19. Telly Sevalis anyone?
20. What forms of cudgery are currently recognized by Jonists?
21. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah [What? Somebody’s actually reading this thing? Hoodathunkit?]
22. What is the hierarchy of your cult? Who and what terms should our readers know about?
23. Why are the stealth bombers keeping track of everything I do?
24. Clown control to Major Tom.
25. The Cult O' Jon doesn't have chapters in many cities. How can our readers worship appropriately when they don't have churchly officers in their locality?
26. A cult is nothing without prophecies. What can we expect in the future? Are there going to be end times, and if so, what will they be like? Will there be hoverbikes soon? And will mullets ever come back in style?
27. Why New England? Why Trenton, Il?
28. Your cult seems to be entirely formed of neer-do-wells and malcontents who can never complete a thing they set out to do. Is there some sort of commandment in the Cult prescribing laziness?
29. Why is a raven like a writing-desk?
30. Can you tell our celebrity starved children about Chippy, the squirrel who tragically gnawed off both his front paws?
31. Heathens like to claim that you just made up the Cult in college. They claim that you were in a comparative religion class and, while studying Janism, decided that if Jane could have a religion you could too. By this, I mean to ask, what do you like on your hot dog?
32. Fine men in fine shoes wax nostalgic about their youth in high-monied suburbs. They wink knowingly at the maid, wondering what color panties she's wearing under that skirt, and how much she'd need before she'd go down on them. This time the stars glimmered, as a comet passed over the city lights. Too late, they never looked, and she was gone with the tray in a moment, leaving them in their dimming vision.
33. How does one become ordained in the Cult? And do priests get free favors from comely ladies?
34. This number has decided it is not a number, it is free verse instead.

So what is it gonna be? You gonna step on out or is it whack-a-mole? Huh? Yeah, that’s right.